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maryjane

6882 Posts


Posted - Sep 01 2017 :  06:56:33 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I thought I'd share what one of our bloggers turned into for our online magazine. Cindy, I thought you'd get a belly laugh for sure.

Mom Panics: An Autobiography
by Melyssa Williams

So, I wrote a book called Shadows Gray. At the same exact time, some woman released a book called Fifty Shades of Grey. I sold, like, two copies. She sold, like, six squillion and counting.

Sometimes, someone buys my book and promptly returns it for a refund. I can just picture them muttering, “Worst erotica ever.”

I didn't have any interest in reading Fifty Shades, per se, but I had just gotten my Kindle and I was getting the hang of downloading free books.

Free kindle books. There are some doozies in the free section. I shall title my next novel The Warrior's Werewolf and His Submissive Amish Zombie Lover; the Novella, Part 4.

I downloaded the free copy of Fifty Shades. It wasn’t very good.

Rolling my eyes, I felt dumb for having it on my Kindle.

Then, I realized: I had it on my Kindle!

The Kindle that my kids played Angry Birds on. The Kindle that my husband peruses when everyone else has the remote control. That Kindle.

I didn't want them to see Fifty Shades on that Kindle!

Feverishly, I went to get it off. But getting rid of Kindle books is nothing like dropping off your unwanted paperbacks anonymously at the Goodwill. I had just gotten this Kindle, remember, and I'm about as tech-y as your average garden gnome. I can barely cut and paste.

I start tapping the touch screen of the blasted device in various patterns. Perhaps if I touch the opening lines of the theme to the Young and the Restless—which was the only piano song I ever learned to play—but no. It was still there, mocking me. I could almost hear the Church Ladies marching up my step. They were going to burst into my bedroom! They were going to pray for my wayward soul (again; so awkward). I'd be fired from my job with children! I'd be left by my husband, who thought he married a Good Girl!

The tapping wasn't working, so I tried to find the owner's manual. Evidently, the owner's manual is IN the Kindle, but I didn't know that at the time. Well played, Amazon, well played.

I decide to ask Google. I fire up the trusty laptop and type deleting mommy porn from an ereader before anyone finds out.

The laptop FREEZES. I repeat, IT FREEZES WITH THAT OH-SO CRIMINAL SENTENCE IN THE SEARCH ENGINE. It won't minimize the page, it won't close, the laptop won't even turn off. I am going to hell in a handbasket.

The Church Ladies are getting closer: I can hear them singing “Follow the Fold and Stray No More.” They are nearly on my lawn! I swear, I have 10 heart attacks. I have to get this off my Kindle!

I go through the rigmarole of waiting for the laptop to mysteriously stop freezing, which takes about three weeks. In the meantime, my kids have grown up without a mother and my husband leaves me for Sarah Brown and the Mission Band. One time, a small child enters my room and I toss the Kindle like a Frisbee under my bed. I feel like a teen caught with Playboy. Or a mom caught with Fifty Shades of Grey.

Eventually, after dying several times, I find what I'm looking for. To delete a book from your Kindle, you simply touch the screen a bit longer and the option magically appears. What a relief.

I'm so relieved, I eat a pint of ice cream and go to bed in my flannel pjs, team-building-exercise T-shirt, and fuzzy socks.


MaryJane Butters, author of Milk Cow Kitchen ~ striving for the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain ~

txbikergirl

3197 Posts


Posted - Sep 01 2017 :  09:45:28 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
thats hilarious maryjane. we actually went through these scenarios, as even if you delete it from YOUR kindle if you have a "family account" then unless you change about one trillion settings your children, and anyone else on your family account, will still see what is in the "library" as it hangs out there for future downloads unless you delete it three hundred other places... in our house none of the kids have access to any tablet or pc at all so no issue here ;> but some day it will be an issue... and the angst it creates for all parents involved is beyond belief!

Firefly Hollow Farm , our little farmstead. Farmgirl living in the green piney woods of East Texas on 23 acres with a few jerseys, too many chickens, a pair of pugs and my Texan hubby (aka "lover boy")
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CloversMum

3486 Posts


Posted - Sep 01 2017 :  2:03:15 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Now, this made my laugh out loud! I've even had issues just trying to change the settings on Amazon so some children wouldn't see their Christmas gifts! I failed last year as Owen came up to me (we share the Amazon account) and asked about one of the items! Parent fail...

Then there was the time that he was looking at solar panels (on Amazon no less!) and as he was exciting out, he accidently added it to my cart and placed the order! Yikes!! This was for a $700 solar panel and all its paraphernalia! As I came to after falling off my chair, I scrambled and was able to delete the order before it processed. Owen was so upset as he didn't mean for that to happen ... I just told him that while it was serious and he needed to be extra careful, it was one of those stories that he and the family would laugh at for years! Not every 9 yo would even be thinking to look at solar panels and how to live off-grid! lol
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Boots&Flipflops

472 Posts
Darla

Posted - Sep 03 2017 :  10:57:14 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
MaryJane, this is hilarious, and oh so true, and not funny at the same time!

Now you all know how non-techie I am. You haven't seen a picture yet.

I had a similar thing happen, when I was working with children in foster care and the children's home. I had learned that when some of the children were being released, they had nothing to put the few belongings they did have into except a black garbage bag. I thought oh no, that is unacceptable.

So I go online looking for "Nylon" tote or duffel bags. Do you know what "Nylon" brought to my screen. Absolute filthy pornography!!! I was going "what the "H" did I type in to get this. "Nylon" is one of those "crawler words" or whatever they are called. I was appalled, and back peddling, and deleting and erasing, and everything in between. As you know, once you have looked up some things online, it keeps reappearing. Yes I did tell hubby the "whole truthful story" as he is our computer master.

So an innocent word sent me into a full blown panic as with this woman. If it happens to adults, what do our children come across?

To Succeed In This Life You Need Three Things: A Backbone, A Wish Bone and a Funny Bone. As quoted by Reba McEntire
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